Dear readers,

I am a firm believer in laying everything out on the table in order to make sense of things later on. As a modern writer, there is very little I intend to leave up to interpretation. The only interpretation that will be happening here will take place far in the future, when I decide to take a peek into my past from the perspective of someone who has grown from this experience, perhaps see what others were able to see that I wasn't at the time. So despite the salutation, this letter is really for me. I'm kidding. But seriously.

The first thing you should know is that I consider myself an innovator, someone that has the potential to create great, memorable things that could bring people joy and even carry them into a state of awe (which is a terribly inflated description for someone who is about to admit that she has low self-esteem). Ideas flood in great waves through my mind and fill every crevice of my being, driving me while awake and planting seeds of inspiration in my ear through the night. This makes it difficult to even do the simplest of tasks. Why wash the dishes when I could be working on the next great American novel? Why vacuum the carpet when I could be outside, running on the beach and burning away the calories that I so eagerly consumed when I was brainstorming great ways to make quick cash the previous night, all while cutting out magazine clippings of clothing I may someday fit into, if I could just bring myself to stick to a workout regimen for once! Ideas turn into projects, and my projects grow in number with every passing glance at something that I consider mediocre. Things that, if given love and some imagination, could be stunning.

What I have come to realize is that, perhaps I strive to make everything else better because I feel like I am incapable of changing into something "stunning". I look in the mirror everyday, thinking "this is as good as it's gonna get, girl. Just deal with it and try to get by without putting your head in an oven." So I focus all of my energy into my husband's work and education, or my mother's business, or the bed frame that "would make such a cute shelf, don't you think?" Perhaps I need to prove to myself that things can get better, despite my lack of faith. 

Ah, but this is the life of an artist. We strive to make something out of nothing and offer beauty to the world in order to escape ourselves. Why care about what I look like or how I feel about myself tomorrow when I've just created something beautiful from scraps of trash? It makes me feel better about myself now. It is our self preservation, this "creating". It is our fix, until life's weight becomes unbearable again, and we seek refuge from it. That's when we work tirelessly on something else, so we don't have to face ourselves.

This is why long term projects never work out for me. Blogs, school, weight loss goals... you name it. Inspiration strikes, and I immerse myself into whatever it is that provides me the satisfaction that will get me through the day. Then, as time passes, I have to work harder to preserve this satisfaction as my self worth (which is severely lacking) begins to deteriorate. I begin to feel hopeless and undeserving, the unavoidable side effect to years of bullying and later, broken relationships. "I am undeserving of happiness, of that permanent state of fulfillment and self assurance. I need to make beautiful things so that I feel beautiful too."

This is why I am the queen of simulators. I can delve into someone else's life, a better life, and build from the ground up this picturesque version of how it should be. Want to have four children and be a surgeon, all while having the time to cook, clean, and read a good book at the end of the day? Of course! Want to be a successful author and artist, all while accomplishing rock star status and retiring to become a tomb raider? Sure thing! We are expected to accomplish such great things in our lives that even the slightest failure causes us to retreat into our beds for a few days with a box of oreos and a six pack, asking ourselves over and over again, "How do I attain self worth? How can I matter in this world?"

Some of my personal failures are all due to my artistic drive and my impatience. I have far too many aspirations to keep up with all of them, and by the time I am able to focus on just one, I either find it stale after day one, lose my confidence, or shut down completely in fear of failure.

So why can't I just push past the fear and persevere? Well, that is a question I ask myself every day. Never can I achieve if I allow my fear to park its rear end my shoulder and whisper doubt into my ear whenever a new idea rises to the surface. "Noooonononono," he would say (I picture his voice to be small and raspy, like a lawn gnome that has smoked way too much for way too long). "Don't you see? This is just another weak attempt at what you consider to be 'success', oh stupid one. Do you really think that after your first blog bombed that a second one will do any good? Deluuuuuusional! What's going to happen is, you will find great joy in this blog, connect with people, and maybe even heal. Then what are you going to do if your readership begins to decline? How about if it doesn't pick up as quickly as you would like it? Or maybe, you will ask yourself that question. You know the one I'm referring to. "What's the point?" I know what you are going to do- we both do, don't we? So what conclusion can we-"

"Right, I get it dude. I may as well not even try. I can just take up knitting. That's easier, right?"

I have placed myself in an infinite loop of self doubt (this is just one of the loops, too, but let's focus on one thing at a time). I'm guessing this is what it may look like: No Self Confidence ------> Yearning for Identity --------> Brainstorming Ways to Build on my Self Confidence -------> Inspiration -----------> Project --------> Grace Period ---------> Inevitable Fear of Failure ---------> The Fallout -------> Depression ---------> No Self Confidence

So where do I go from here? Do I consult a shrink? Embrace the life of a housewife and watch soaps all day?

I need to let go. I need to be able to heal from past discrepancies, forgive myself and forgive others, and move on so that I can mold myself into the person I want to be. My fear of failure is a symptom, ladies and gentlemen. My aim, with this blog, is to treat the source so that I can give each symptom the time it deserves to heal. To achieve this, I must be in a constant state of rebirth. I have to surround myself with positive people, influences, and experiences so that melancholy doesn't have the opportunity to rear its ugly head. I have to keep myself busy so that I don't have the chance to lapse back into the hole of self doubt I've been digging since I was a child.

I will set goals and document them. Each of my goals will pertain to some aspect of my life, whether it be my health, my relationships, or even conquering a certain fear of mine. I hope, that with each goal I set and accomplish, I will be closer to being happy with my life, and, hopefully, myself.

This is not a diary. I've created this place to serve as my sanctuary, and perhaps it can offer inspiration to you, dear reader, who may too wish to make something out of nothing, whatever that may be.

Sincerely,
Jessica